Too much? Not if your kids are ninja robots like mine will be. You loser. Witcha regular-ass kids.

I wish I could see clearly into the future and know exactly what motherhood will bring me so I can prepare. I like to be prepared. I’d like to know, in advance, about that time my kid finally realizes that the poop is in his diaper and he decides to put his hand down there. In public. And then touches everything. Including other people’s kids. I’d like to go ahead and formulate a plan for that day. Even though I can’t create an accurate, 3D, and color-coded road map for my progeny’s antics, I can at least plot and plan ways to exact my revenge on them, right? I think that’s fair.

Like, sometime when they’re 3 or 4–maybe 5, if my kid is slow–I’m going to plant the idea in their head that one or more of their grandparents used to be a superhero. I might even embellish it with an actual story, but I think just the planting will work. I tried it on Puppy today and it worked like a charm. She now kind of believes that Grandma was once a superhero and one day, when she realizes it couldn’t possibly be true, she’ll be sorely disappointed and I will be triumphant!

I think the most dreaded moment of parenthood comes at learner’s permit time. I’m gonna have to put a TEENAGER on my car insurance policy! After I’m done re-mortgaging the house to pay for their premium, I think the least I deserve is a little more parental revenge. Target: the first car. This requires a lot of thinking. I gotta get them something that’s old, but not a hooptie, (!) cuz then I’ll end up spending tons of money every time it needs repairs AND have to give rides while it’s in the shop. The car has to have no sex appeal, whatsoever. Whatever I get, I need to make sure it’s the base model. No special ish like DVD, navigation, and subwoofers and junk (that’s practically standard in today’s new cars, smh).  No, none of that shit! This! Is! Parenthood! When I think about what the future’s equivalent to today’s ’92 Buick LeSabre would be, almost nothing comes to mind. Unfortunately, Buick went somewhere a couple of years ago and found its sexy, so we can’t go to them. Maybe the 2010 Mitsubishi Galant. Now that’s boring. Whatever. I’ve got years to think about it.

Ooh! Maybe I could get myself a Swagger Wagon when they’re born and hand it down come license time! No, no, no. They can fit too many friends in there and that’s dangerous. I don’t want the kid dead, I just wanna have my fun.

Now what to send them off to college with…

Just went back to proofread. Yo, I ain’t shit for this, lol!

Traumatizing? Sure. The movie was rather graphic and heavy-handed, turning Ntozake Shange’s theatre piece into a bludgeon–a stark difference from the precise and surgical exposure of these women’s stories performed by the original. That’s by no means a bad thing. As a matter of fact, it was absolutely necessary for Hollywood success. Perry very intelligently understood that even though he doesn’t necessarily have to play by all of Hollywood’s rules owns his  studio and can release films under his own banner imprint (actually, in all reality, he’s still owned by Lionsgate Films), he still needs to appeal to a very mainstream, if colored, audience. I don’t think sitting in the local AMC and snapping along to poems about feminist strength is gonna sell enough tickets to cover production costs, not to mention being boooorrriiiiinnnnngggggg. Put in some striking visuals, throw in a couple of patented Kimberly Elise wails (I think they should be the Wilhelm Scream of Black tragedies), and you’ve got an exciting flick worth the $10.50 admission. Hats off to Tyler for making it both visually and carnally appealing.

Ok, now down to business. Kudos or no kudos, I think For Colored Girls is more of a graphic exposé that came a few decades too late than a revolutionary narrative. The situations described, while grisly, are almost generic Hollywood staples to the plight of the (Black) woman. Somebody’s getting beat by their man, somebody’s being cheated on, someone was touched by a man in their family, etc. etc. What may have once been a revolutionary reveal in a time where Black women and girls’ stories weren’t told, is now–I hate to say it–almost underwhelming. However, the idea changing the stories to more modern issues is a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type of situation for TP. To change them would have caused more outcry from the original’s Stans than it’s already seen. More than could be sustained for a movie that had to succeed. Keeping it much the same, while throwing on a clear coat of over-the-top theatrics was the only way to do it right, and the elements from the original stage piece that made it great are still there with TP’s writing intertwined. His dialogue and the way it flowed into and out of poetic pieces from the original play are what actually save the string of “been there, done that” plot lines and shock-value scenes from lacking any artistic merit.

The cast of lead and even some cameo appearances by females was very strong. I think Janet Jackson (Jo, the created-for-the-film Lady in Red) is actually pretty good, especially in this film, despite the automatic points against her for being a music artist and Perry’s latest muse. Kimberly Elise (Crystal, Lady in Brown) isn’t a fave of mine, but if you need someone to be the perpetually wailing mood-killer, she’s absolutely the one for the role. No one does it better. Thandie Newton (Lady in Orange) is great at playing the half-crazy twat who wasn’t quite pretty enough to really capitalize on her good hair and light skin. I don’t recall any roles where she explicitly played that character, but I tend to get that vibe from her portrayals and I definitely got it here. Anika Noni Rose (Yasmine, Lady in Yellow) is becoming a real favorite of mine. A true talent in the classical sense and a Tony Award winner (nominee?) who is probably on her way to an Oscar nod. The rest need no praise from me, let’s just say Tyler KNOWS how to pick his women! Now, the men in his movies are never chosen for talent but instead look like a Rundu calendar come to life, and For Colored Girls doesn’t change the script even a little bit. The eye candy is RIGHT. *wipes brow*

Now for what I didn’t like. In high school, I “read” the book and saw a pretty bad televised version of the stage play in my American Lit. class with a white teacher who was a bit more enthusiastic about it than my small high school mind could understand. Though I must admit to paying very little attention to what I was reading/watching back then, one character stood out: The Lady in Yellow was about sexual freedom. (Her story is touched on by the Lady in Purple played by Tessa Thompson in the movie…confusing.) This meant a lot to me. But Tyler’s heavy-handed treatment of the storyline adds a character (her mother, played by Whoopi Goldberg) who serves as the pious neutralizer of any message of positive sexuality that may have been introduced, and the whole saga ends in a back-alley abortion as the final nail in that coffin. The abortion was never a part of The Lady in Yellow’s story and…who still gets a back-alley abortion in 2010??? But whatever.

More glimpses of Tyler Perry-ism glare with the added character of the Lady in Red (there was a LiR in the original, but her story is more like the LiBr in the movie…it’s all whacky), a character whose M.O. is all but played out in the realm of black entertainment: a castrating, successful woman, who has problems with her husband. I’m not even going touch the female character of the couple, I wanna talk about the man:

Creating a completely new character to play a bisexual male whose unfaithfulness involving other men leads to his wife contracting HIV is a little hard to swallow. Not because it doesn’t happen, but because it is utterly irresponsible to the many more women who contract STDs from STRAIGHT husbands cheating. and adds fuel to a fire the LGBT community is still trying to put out; that is, that having an alternative sexuality is an automatic HIV death sentence.

Not only that, but it really should shame Tyler Perry in front of an audience who KNOWS he’s gay. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Overall, it’s a solid film. Nothing that will change the world or how I see it. And like I said, it’s nothing that I dwelt on past the ride home from the theatre until I was asked (repeatedly) what I thought. But For Colored Girls is still a very pleasant surprise coming from the man who gave us Madea, and proof that though Black movie-goers love more than our fair dose of coonery (Friday movies and Soulja Boy), we can also show up and show out at theatres all over the country to make a serious movie by us, for us, and featuring us a blockbuster. *side eye to Martin Lawrence*

If you held me up to those standards right now, you wouldn’t know who I am. You wouldn’t know that I have an organization. You wouldn’t know that I want to build it into a premiere champion of Haitian Diaspora members. You also wouldn’t know that I have a youth choir I need to help rebuild to its former (limited) glory. Or that it’s full of teens looking for any sign that they can be great.

I want, so badly, to push against the ingrained mediocrity that Haitian kids are relegated to. It would take a whole other blog post to get into it, but those of us who grew up in Haitian households are not pushed to become anything special, and we often end up being no more than just cogs in the machine. Ew. I need to do more, but lately I’ve been doing the exact opposite. It’s a crying shame.

Can I turn it around? I don’t know yet. Honestly, I feel the tendrils of depression reaching out at me (Yikes, that was really melodramatic.) I don’t like where I am right now. I have a lot going on, but even more than that, there’s a lot of less-than-good going on immediately around me. My support system needs its own support system, if that makes sense. Anyway, that’s too much for this. I’m just saying though…I am not a leader. Not right now.

Maybe I’m just shrugging.

Aside from what we talked about, I learned a very valuable lesson today: sometimes you just gotta suck up your fears of looking like a poser, put on a beret, and have an $8 “French” coffee drink in an Arabic coffee-sized cup (no refills, of course). It just might make your day.

The GenJuice Tour is about entrepreneurship and innovation amongst my generation (Gen Y as they put it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to use the term “generation-anything). Basically, the GenJuice team is touring the country, stopping at 12 cities, and connecting young entrepreneurs at each stop. Each event will feature an “unconference” (buzzword I don’t quite like) and a tweet-up with the goal of connecting fellow innovators and to facilitate discussion amongst like minds.

Question in your head: “Is Tatiana starting a business I don’t know about?”

The answer is *drumroll*

No. But you know I’ve started a non-profit. One that Vanessa and I hope to evolve and change over time to be like no other organization of its kind. It’s hard to think out of the box when everyone is still in earthquake-relief mode, but it’s a marathon, not a sprint. If we have to do something “regular” like sponsor new homes for families for the first year or even two, then so be it, but believe me, we’re dreaming big.  I’ve got good ideas brewing in my head and I sure could use some immersion into a pool of thinkers to get them to ferment into something great.

Actually, that’s just a great side benefit to attending this event. The main dish is that this is a great idea. A tour by successful young entrepreneurs fresh out of college to help jump-start/connect people just like them with their dreams? Genius. And HIGHLY applicable to what we’re trying to do with Still Jaspora. That name means something. It’s more than the title for our organization, it is a social movement. The idea that even second- and third-generation Haitians living abroad are still connected to the country enough that we can and should give back using the resources we’ve amassed elsewhere. Could such a tour be conducted for young Haitians looking to do something about Haiti? Abso-fucking-lutely.

With the right sponsorship and marketing, SJ could definitely go on a tour like this. Maybe next summer. Hmm….

This has been a Still Jaspora #LightbulbMoment

*Disclaimer: This post is for entertainment-purposes only. I know a lot of people tend to get unraveled over things they hear or read that don’t have much bearing on their real lives, but I’d like to tell those people now: don’t bother commenting your disapproval. I don’t care. It’s all in good fun. I’m not going to say this is satire because, well, I mean every word I’m about to write, but I do recommend you take it with a light heart. Why? Because it’s not worth giving someone who doesn’t care very much about your feelings (me) the satisfaction of causing your anger.*

I hate to be so… un-PC about this… no I don’t. It’s my blog so I can just say how I feel about something. I know half of the time the way I feel about something is wrong or uncool, but if I can’t way what I mean… anyway, let’s just get to the post.

Yesterday, I asked a friend of mine how things were going with a guy who’s interested in her. I was thinking she would tell me that she wasn’t even interested in him–in fact, she did say that–but there was more. Apparently, whenever he is in town, he calls/texts her to see if she wants to go out. A couple of times, she said yes, whether out of boredom or kindness, I’ll never know, but the date never actually happens. They’ll text each other with availability, but when it comes time to finalize things, the texts suddenly stop.

The only explanation I can come up for this bizarre behavior from a dude who initiates all the contact is this: He’s testing her. He wants to see if she’ll work on his terms and on his time. If she was actually into him, and it mattered I would tell him this:

“You’re not good-looking enough to administer this test.”

I’ve been ranting about girls and guys partaking in ass-holery that’s above their looks grade for a while, and I think it’s about time we hashed it out here.

Follow along with me. It’s kind of an asshole move to ask someone out, get them to clear time for you, and then not show up or finalize the plans. It says, “I don’t care about your time.” Doing this to the same person more than once says, “I don’t care about your time, but I expect that you will always be available on mine.” Just think about it. I fully expect this guy to send her yet another text or call her the next time he’s in town to see if she can go out. This is unacceptable for anybody, but exceptionally bold for an average (okay maybe less than)-looking dude.

I mean, think about it. A really handsome guy knows that some thirsty chick will always be around the next corner and be willing to take some b.s. from him. So what if he loses a couple of self-respecting women with his narcissism? There’s always an insecure girl looking for a trophy boyfriend that will take anything he can dish out. We expect that sort of behavior from dudes rated 8 and above. We just do. He doesn’t know any better and we girls with half a brain don’t take any of his advances seriously. He’s just flexing.

Then there’s average-to-ugly guy. Honestly, women aren’t exactly flocking to his crooked teeth, his receding (*ahem* receded) hairline, his… moobs. So he uses his personality to reel us in. Maybe he’s charming, funny, or maybe he’s the kindest person you’ll ever meet. He can’t just snap his fingers and have a (decent-looking) woman following his every move. No, he’s gotta work to get that attention and he’s gotten pretty good at it too!

NEVER should this man decide to act like “Mr. Fine.” Ever. I know it’s not fair. I see the appeal in being able to treat people any way you want to and still have them want you. Maybe an ugly girl. A really ugly girl. (I told y’all this wasn’t going to be a nice post.) But the thing is, honestly…you’re just not good-looking enough to be an asshole. #kanyeshrug

The test that Mr. Not-That-Awesome tried to proctor has a “fineness” threshold. He doesn’t meet it. It’s why the next time he’s in town and he calls or texts, he will go unanswered. And when he (inevitably for men) asks why she didn’t respond, he won’t even get a real answer. She probably won’t bother to create an excuse. He’ll get the one thing that even Mr. Fine is rarely privy to–the truth: “I just didn’t feel like it.”

Filed under: Common Sense, Relationships, Sex, Uncategorized ]]> http://tatiananoel.wordpress.com/2010/06/01/you-cant-do-that/feed/ 3 Tatiana Noel will_smith JAMES http://tatiananoel.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/is-this-you/ http://tatiananoel.wordpress.com/2010/05/30/is-this-you/#comments Sun, 30 May 2010 05:18:27 +0000 Tatiana Noel http://the1stnoel.com/?p=281 ]]> This entertained me. Of course it doesn’t apply only to Christians, but to all religions that call for unquestioning faith. I wonder why people never stop to think about the fact that religion is the only thing that calls for such blind belief that we actually never question. If a new president came to office and told everyone not to question the motives of his actions we would all be up to our necks in conspiracy theories for fear that someone was pulling the political wool over our eyes. But not for your salvation? You question NOTHING about the guidelines that are believed to be the key to your life and death? Huh.

Now the logical rebuttal to this is that one should never question God. I’m not telling you to. I told you to question religion. Religion is what Man says about God. What Man tells us that God wants us to do. The major religions of this world have books that serve as their main guideline. Find me a book that wasn’t written by Man, compiled by Man, altered by Man, and whose components weren’t approved or disapproved of by Man, and I’ll show you my extra nipple. (Hint: I don’t have an extra nipple.)

Your blind, unquestioning allegiance most likely isn’t to God, it’s to Man and his egotistical need to control the masses through the most powerful tool/weapon ever created: religion.

I believe in God, but I take what Man says about God with a grain of salt. Every time. I suggest you do the same.

This pic is hot. Eff the whole cast.

I mean, I know what Season 6 was all about and hate that the finale really only wrapped it up, and not the rest of the show. However, this guy’s take on the island and why everything on it happens is kinda what I was looking for. Kinda. It’s written by someone from Bad Robot.

First …
The Island:

It was real. Everything that happened on the island that we saw throughout the 6 seasons was real. Forget the final image of the plane crash, it was put in purposely to f*&k with people’s heads and show how far the show had come. They really crashed. They really survived. They really discovered Dharma and the Others. The Island keeps the balance of good and evil in the world. It always has and always will perform that role. And the Island will always need a “Protector”. Jacob wasn’t the first, Hurley won’t be the last. However, Jacob had to deal with a malevolent force (MIB) that his mother, nor Hurley had to deal with. He created the devil and had to find a way to kill him — even though the rules prevented him from actually doing so.

Thus began Jacob’s plan to bring candidates to the Island to do the one thing he couldn’t do. Kill the MIB. He had a huge list of candidates that spanned generations. Yet everytime he brought people there, the MIB corrupted them and caused them to kill one another. That was until Richard came along and helped Jacob understand that if he didn’t take a more active role, then his plan would never work.

Enter Dharma — which I’m not sure why John is having such a hard time grasping. Dharma, like the countless scores of people that were brought to the island before, were brought there by Jacob as part of his plan to kill the MIB. However, the MIB was aware of this plan and interferred by “corrupting” Ben. Making Ben believe he was doing the work of Jacob when in reality he was doing the work of the MIB. This carried over into all of Ben’s “off-island” activities. He was the leader. He spoke for Jacob as far as they were concerned. So the “Others” killed Dharma and later were actively trying to kill Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Hurley and all the candidates because that’s what the MIB wanted. And what he couldn’t do for himself.

Dharma was originally brought in to be good. But was turned bad by MIB’s corruption and eventually destroyed by his pawn Ben. Now, was Dharma only brought there to help Jack and the other Canditates on their overall quest to kill Smokey? Or did Jacob have another list of Canidates from the Dharma group that we were never aware of? That’s a question that is purposley not answered because whatever answer the writers came up with would be worse than the one you come up with for yourself. Still … Dharma’s purpose is not “pointless” or even vague. Hell, it’s pretty blantent.

Still, despite his grand plan, Jacob wanted to give his “candidates” (our Lostaways) the one thing he, nor his brother, were ever afforded: free will. Hence him bringing a host of “candidates” through the decades and letting them “choose” which one would actually do the job in the end. Maybe he knew Jack would be the one to kill Flocke and that Hurley would be the protector in the end. Maybe he didn’t. But that was always the key question of the show: Fate vs Free-will. Science vs Faith. Personally I think Jacob knew from the beginning what was going to happen and that everyone played a part over 6 seasons in helping Jack get to the point where he needed to be to kill Smokey and make Hurley the protector — I know that’s how a lot of the writers viewed it. But again, they won’t answer that (nor should they) because that ruins the fun.

In the end, Jack got to do what he always wanted to do from the very first episode of the show: Save his fellow Lostaways. He got Kate and Sawyer off the island and he gave Hurley the purpose in life he’d always been missing. And, in Sideways world (which we’ll get to next) he in fact saved everyone by helping them all move on …

Now…

Sideways World:

Sideways world is where it gets really cool in terms of theology and metaphysical discussion (for me at least — because I love history/religion theories and loved all the talks in the writer’s room about it). Basically what the show is proposing is that we’re all linked to certain people during our lives. Call them soulmates (though it’s not exactly the best word). But these people we’re linked to are with us duing “the most important moments of our lives” as Christian said. These are the people we move through the universe with from lifetime to lifetime. It’s loosely based in Hinduisim with large doses of western religion thrown into the mix.

The conceit that the writers created, basing it off these religious philosophies, was that as a group, the Lostaways subconsciously created this “sideways” world where they exist in purgatory until they are “awakened” and find one another. Once they all find one another, they can then move on and move forward. In essence, this is the show’s concept of the afterlife. According to the show, everyone creates their own “Sideways” purgatory with their “soulmates” throughout their lives and exist there until they all move on together. That’s a beautiful notion. Even if you aren’t religious or even spirtual, the idea that we live AND die together is deeply profound and moving.

It’s a really cool and spirtual concept that fits the whole tone and subtext the show has had from the beginning. These people were SUPPOSED to be together on that plane. They were supposed to live through these events — not JUST because of Jacob. But because that’s what the universe or God (depending on how religious you wish to get) wanted to happen. The show was always about science vs faith — and it ultimately came down on the side of faith. It answered THE core question of the series. The one question that has been at the root of every island mystery, every character backstory, every plot twist. That, by itself, is quite an accomplishment.

How much you want to extrapolate from that is up to you as the viewer. Think about season 1 when we first found the Hatch. Everyone thought that’s THE answer! Whatever is down there is the answer! Then, as we discovered it was just one station of many. One link in a very long chain that kept revealing more, and more of a larger mosiac.

But the writer’s took it even further this season by contrasting this Sideways “purgatory” with the Island itself. Remember when Michael appeared to Hurley, he said he was not allowed to leave the Island. Just like the MIB. He wasn’t allowed into this sideways world and thus, was not afforded the opportunity to move on. Why? Because he had proven himself to be unworthy with his actions on the Island. He failed the test. The others, passed. They made it into Sideways world when they died — some before Jack, some years later. In Hurley’s case, maybe centuries later. They exist in this sideways world until they are “awakened” and they can only move on TOGETHER because they are linked. They are destined to be together for eternity. That was their destiny.

They were NOT linked to Anna Lucia, Daniel, Roussou, Alex, Miles, Lupidis, (and all the rest who weren’t in the chuch — basically everyone who wasn’t in season 1). Yet those people exist in Sideways world. Why? Well again, here’s where they leave it up to you to decide. The way I like to think about it, is that those people who were left behind in Sideways world have to find their own soulmates before they can wake up. It’s possible that those links aren’t people from the island but from their other life (Anna’s parnter, the guy she shot — Roussou’s husband, etc etc).

A lot of people have been talking about Ben and why he didn’t go into the Church. And if you think of Sideways world in this way, then it gives you the answer to that very question. Ben can’t move on yet because he hasn’t connected with the people he needs to. It’s going to be his job to awaken Roussou, Alex, Anna Lucia (maybe), Ethan, Goodspeed, his father and the rest. He has to attone for his sins more than he did by being Hurley’s number two. He has to do what Hurley and Desmond did for our Lostaways with his own people. He has to help them connect. And he can only move on when all the links in his chain are ready to. Same can be said for Faraday, Charlotte, Whidmore, Hawkins etc. It’s really a neat, and cool concept. At least to me.

But, from a more “behind the scenes” note: the reason Ben’s not in the church, and the reason no one is in the church but for Season 1 people is because they wrote the ending to the show after writing the pilot. And never changed it. The writers always said (and many didn’t believe them) that they knew their ending from the very first episode. I applaud them for that. It’s pretty fantastic. Originally Ben was supposed to have a 3 episode arc and be done. But he became a big part of the show. They could have easily changed their ending and put him in the church — but instead they problem solved it. Gave him a BRILLIANT moment with Locke outside the church … and then that was it. I loved that. For those that wonder — the original ending started the moment Jack walked into the church and touches the casket to Jack closing his eyes as the other plane flies away. That was always JJ’s ending. And they kept it.

In the end, for me, LOST was a touchstone show that dealt with faith, the afterlife, and all these big, spirtual questions that most shows don’t touch. And to me, they never once waivered from their core story — even with all the sci-fi elements they mixed in. To walk that long and daunting of a creative tightrope and survive is simply astounding.